Change
Willing Or Not Change Is Here
The capacity for change diminishes with age due to decreased cognitive flexibility and increased resistance to new routines. This complexity often means that persuading seniors to alter their habits can require skills akin to those of a championship debater, as effectively managing such resistance becomes a crucial aspect of caregiving.
Discussing any change was probably the hardest topic for my parents and me. Dad did comparatively much better with changes after he retired. Many times, he welcomed it, but that was generally after some careful planning on my part.
I would start by planting seeds of change for weeks before bringing up the subject seriously. After a logical discussion, he would generally agree.
It took 2 years after multiple rejections for a visit visa from the US Embassy in Pakistan for my parents, I finally convinced my dad to apply for Green card. I remember the conversation very clearly as I had prepared my speech for months before delivering it. I told them one day over the phone “Dad, with the political unrest in Pakistan, would you really be comfortable with me coming there to help you, and bring your grandkids there for the whole summer to spend time with you?”.
“If the answer to that question is no, then we must apply for the immigrant visa. Your grandkids and I want to spend time with you both.”
My dad’s response was “OK” followed by a very long pause. I knew he was taking time to inventory in his head, how his entire life was about to change.
I left it to my dad to convince my mom, as he was very good at that.
I hung up the phone feeling very emotional as I had just asked my dad to do a second immigration in his lifetime.
The first one was when he was in his teens and he left India with his family, leaving behind a wealthy lifestyle for a new country with only basics in their suitcases. His father had traded his business and home with a Hindu living in Karachi who was moving to India. My father and uncles had shared how they got the short end of the stick in that trade. How they struggled financially when they moved to Karachi, and how the comforts of their life were never the same after their move.
I comforted myself with thoughts that this time it would be different. This time they would be moving into a comfortable home, with more resources, more help and love from their family. I planned that maybe I could get a job for my dad, get them an apartment overlooking the ocean at some point, as my mom would love that.
Unfortunately, most of my dreams never materialized. The day I moved them into assisted living, which I pray I never end up in, was one of the toughest days of my life.
My mom on the other hand was carefree for most of her life. But this changed when she started experiencing Parkinson’s related tremors. From that point on, she began disliking change. Amazingly, had someone asked me during my childhood to rate my parents’ level of comfort with change on a scale of one to ten, I probably would have rated my dad as being a two and my mom a nine. But that rating gradually flip-flopped as they aged.
One day I excitedly entered their room with a picture of a new bed and more vibrant color bed sheets. I was expecting my mom to be in the best case be very excited about the change, or at worst just shrug her shoulders. However, this change sparked a heated debate with my mom.
“This bed is way too big for the room, and the sheets don’t match anything else in this room.” was the start of her debate. The debate went on for 20 minutes and then I realized I was not picking a battle worth fighting. Her sense of control over her life seemingly was tethered to the familiarity of her surroundings and I needed to just let it be.
I never knew what reaction to expect. Change is hard at any age, but coupled with rapidly changing needs and changing personalities, it was much harder for mom and dad to absorb.
The art of persuasion, I learned, is akin to walking a tightrope, especially when the audience is one’s own parents, whose receptiveness to change had evolved in unexpected ways over the years.
In this ever-changing landscape, I found myself yearning for the eloquence of a seasoned debater, each conversation a lesson in patience, empathy, and the subtle art of persuasion. The challenge was not merely in proposing change but in navigating the emotional undercurrents that each suggestion stirred, a testament to the profound impact of aging on one’s sense of self and openness to the new.
The biggest lesson worth sharing with every caregiver is Pick Your Battles.
Embracing the Inevitable
Laura and Rose’s Story
Laura thought her mother, Rose, was flexible and willing to try new things, but as age crept in, change became an increasingly difficult subject. Her Uncle Paul, on the other hand, was somewhat more open, though still resistant when it came to major lifestyle adjustments.
One Sunday afternoon, Laura found herself in her mother’s living room, presenting the idea of downsizing to a smaller, more manageable apartment.
“Mom, Uncle Paul, we need to talk about moving to a smaller place. This house is too big for you both now,” Laura began, her tone gentle but firm.
Rose shook her head, her expression resolute. “This is our home. We’ve been here for decades. I don’t see why we need to move.”
Paul sighed, looking at Laura. “I get where you’re coming from, but it’s not easy. There’s so much history here.”
“I understand, but think about how much easier life would be. No more stairs, less maintenance, and more amenities,” Laura countered, trying to appeal to their practical side.
Rose crossed her arms, her voice rising slightly. “I don’t want to leave my garden. It’s my sanctuary.”
Laura had anticipated this resistance. “I found a lovely apartment with a balcony where you can still have your plants. And it’s close to a park, so you can still enjoy nature.”
Paul leaned back, contemplating. “It sounds reasonable, but change is hard, Laura. We need time to think about it.”
Laura nodded, feeling the weight of their reluctance. “Take your time. I just want what’s best for both of you.”
A few weeks later, after numerous discussions and gentle nudging, Paul came around first. “You know, Laura, I think you might be right. This place is getting too much for us.”
Rose was still hesitant but seeing Paul’s willingness to consider the move, she softened. “Alright, Laura. We’ll go look at the apartment. But no promises.”
They visited the new apartment, and to Laura’s relief, both Rose and Paul found it charming. It wasn’t immediate, but gradually, they began to see the benefits.
Months later, as they settled into their new home, Laura saw a change in her mother. Rose was happier, less burdened by the responsibilities of a large house. Paul seemed more relaxed too.
“You were right, Laura,” Rose admitted one evening. “This is better for us.”
Laura smiled, feeling a sense of accomplishment. “I’m just glad you’re both happy.”
Navigating the resistance to change had been challenging, but with patience and persistence, Laura managed to guide her mother and uncle to a better, more comfortable life.
The Reluctant
Dante and His Parents’ Story
Dante had been wrestling with the idea of moving his parents, Dean and Mary, into an assisted living facility for months. Their health was deteriorating, and managing their large home was becoming increasingly difficult.
“Mom, Dad, we need to talk about something important,” Dante said one evening, his voice steady as they sat in the living room.
Dean frowned, sensing the gravity of the conversation. “What is it, Dante?”
“It’s about moving to an assisted living facility. It’s getting too hard for you both to manage everything here,” Dante explained.
Mary shook her head, her eyes wide with resistance. “No, absolutely not. We’re not leaving our home.”
Dante sighed, trying to stay calm. “I understand it’s a big change, but it’s for the best. You’ll have help, and I’ll be able to visit more often because it’s closer to my home.”
Dean leaned forward, his tone serious. “We don’t need help. We’re fine here.”
“Dad, the last time I was here, you had trouble using the bathroom alone. And Mom, you had that fall in the kitchen. It’s not safe,” Dante argued, his concern evident.
Mary looked at Dean, then back at Dante. “I can’t imagine living anywhere else. This house is our life.”
“I know, and it’s hard. But this facility has everything you need. There’s a community, activities, and medical staff on hand,” Dante tried to reassure them.
Dean remained silent, contemplating the idea. Finally, he spoke. “We’ll go see it. But no promises.”
The visit to the facility was filled with mixed emotions. Mary remained skeptical, while Dean seemed more open after seeing the amenities and the friendly staff.
“It’s nice, but it’s not home,” Mary said quietly as they walked through the gardens.
“I understand, Mom. But think about the support and safety,” Dante replied, hoping to appeal to her practical side.
After several more visits and many long conversations, Dean started to see the benefits. Mary, still reluctant, eventually agreed, albeit with a heavy heart.
The move was challenging, filled with tears and moments of doubt. But as time passed, both Dean and Mary began to adjust. They made new friends, and the chore of home maintenance lifted, allowing them to focus on their well-being.
One day, as they sat in the common room, Dean turned to Mary. “This isn’t so bad, is it?”
Mary smiled, a hint of acceptance in her eyes. “No, it’s not. I suppose Dante knew what he was talking about.”
Dante, visiting them that day, felt a wave of relief and gratitude. “I’m just glad you’re both safe and happy.”
The journey to this new chapter had been fraught with resistance, but through persistence and love, Dante helped his parents find a safer, more supportive environment.