“Hello, my name is Dr. Johns! We think we can discharge your dad from the SNF tomorrow afternoon.” the doctor continued “His oxygen level is getting better, but he will need to be on Oxygen full time …” This is all that I could digest. The doctor continued explaining details about my father’s condition. 

My father, who in the past would have asked about vitamins and home remedies that he thought would bring him back to his health in the fifties, had an expression of resignation on his face. 

I, on the other hand, was trying to mentally figure out what to do next. With my father’s health compromised and his role as my mother’s primary caregiver upended, how the fabric of our family’s daily life could be stitched back together. My mind racing, I rushed to a quiet courtyard, acting as if I was following the doctor to ask him some follow-on questions.

I sat in the courtyard with my head in my hands, tears rolling down my cheeks, repeating in a whisper to the universe “I don’t know what to do”.

When a strange but calming voice asked, “Your loved one is getting released today?”

I looked up to see a man, who was probably in his forties, holding the back of a wheelchair while sitting on a bench. He looked like he was trying to muster courage to move the empty wheelchair forward.

“I don’t mean to be too nosy, but I was feeling as confused as you seem to be feeling just two days ago. That is when Doctor John told us that my mom would be discharged today. Hello, my name is Chris!” He extended his hand for a handshake of solidarity. 

I responded anxious to learn what Chris had done in the last two days. “Are you taking your mom home, retirement community or something else. I don’t know where to start or what to do.”

Chris took out a business card from his pocket “Call Angel, she helped me evaluate all my options based on my mom’s health, financial status, personality and more. She came through with a list of options in one hour. I spent the entire day yesterday evaluating all of them. I have come up with the best option for my mom. However, my mom is never happy or satisfied with anything in life. I am bracing myself for a lot of complaining and gathering my strength before I walk into her room with this wheelchair.”

I got up and gave Chris a hug, this brief moment of comradery with a stranger in the same battle gave me strength to pick up the phone and call Angel.

“Where are you at this moment?” Angel asked.

“I am in the La Jolla SNF. I just met Chris, who you helped just two days ago.” I responded, adding “He said you are a true Angel, and you helped him figure out his options, I need the same help except faster and for both of my parents.” I said, while watching Chris stop every few steps, walking down the corridor towards his mom’s room. 

I saw a woman dressed in a short white summer dress walk towards Chris, who pointed in my direction.

“Hi Rosie, I am Angel”, she said with a warm smile and a comforting hug. “Sorry if you don’t like hugs, but I have found most people need one when they are in your situation.”

She asked me many questions about my parents’ needs and personality. She asked me how much we could afford monthly, where I lived, what I do for a living, how big my home was, where my parents had been living and what’s most important for our peace of mind. 

After 45 minutes of conversation she said, “let’s first go to the front desk and see if I can get a summary from the social worker at this facility”. The two women talked for 10 minutes, with lots of acronyms I had never heard before. 

“What is a CCRC?” I asked. The social worker responded with some abruptness “I have to leave in 5 minutes, Angel can explain everything to you once we are done.”

“Don’t worry, I will walk you through all your options.” Let’s meet your parents first. “I assure you we can figure out some options for you in your budget.” 

I took a deep breath as we entered my dad’s room. “Hi mom and dad! Look, I found a real Angel.” I said with a warm reassuring smile. “Fake it till you make it!” I said under my breath trying to motivate myself.

“My name is Angel! And I am here to serve you. I’m sorry you are going through these difficult times. However, we have options, and I will outline them all to your daughter once I get done getting to know you.” She said with the warmth of an Angel.

“Tell me what are your favorite things to do?” Was her first question. The last one she asked was “What will you absolutely not want to do or experience when you are in your new home?”

I panicked when she asked that, as I had not talked to my parents about moving out of my home at this point. However, I was shocked at how my parents responded with ease. 

My dad looked at me directly with reassurance as he described his needs, trying to reassure me that it was going to be okay if they had to move out of my home. He responded “I take care of my wife, take care of her medications and when she needs to get out of bed. Find me a place where I can continue to do that. We absolutely need to be in the same room.”

Angel outlined options that included: Room and Board, Continuing Care Retirement Community, and In-home Care. For each of these, she gave me referrals and asked me to go checkout all those places the next day.

My mom and I spent all the next day going to the various facilities. We interviewed in-home caregiving agencies that night. My mom slept well that night to my surprise. It felt as if she had come to an acceptance of our interim solution.

I convinced myself and my mom that they would move into an assisted living community for six months. At which time we will reevaluate and see what the best options were and see if they could move back with me. 

Unfortunately, only my mom moved back with me the day after my dad passed away, five months after they had moved into assisted living. This was yet again a decision we had to make with short notice. 

Since my mom’s dementia was getting worse, she felt out of place in a foreign culture, and struggled with getting her message across in English (even though she was an avid reader of books in English), I decided the best solution for my mom was to move back in with me.

The transition from my father’s hospitalization to the daunting task of finding suitable living arrangements for both my parents was a journey marked by urgency, constraints, and heart-wrenching decisions. The logistical challenges were immediate and extremely overwhelming when my father passed. I found myself making life-altering decisions for my parents within hours. I don’t know where I got the strength to influence such changes in their lives, but apparently “There is a time and place for everything.”