Instantly
Instant Caregiver to Three
The Domino Effect
Sami – My Uncle
The term “Instantly Enduring Caregiver” refers to someone who suddenly takes on long-term caregiving responsibilities because of cascading events. “The Domino Effect” in this context describes how one significant incident can trigger a sequence of related challenges that necessitate immediate and sustained caregiving for multiple family members.
Aunt Mariya’s medical emergency created a domino effect that made Lisa an instant caregiver for her aunt, mom, and dad.
In the intricate dance of life, where roles shift and responsibilities evolve, Lisa found herself at the center of a familial maelstrom that would test her strength, patience, and love in ways she never imagined. She became an instant caregiver for three of her precious loved ones all at once, because of a medical crisis for her Aunt Mariya.
Mariya: The Resilient Aunt
Aunt Mariya, a figure of quiet strength and occasional tempestuousness, had navigated life’s highs and lows with a stoic resolve. As a child, she was introspective, her world orbiting around a few close companions and her siblings. Her teenage years were marked by academic diligence, culminating in a finance degree that would pave her path as an accountant.
Adulthood brought its share of trials—marriage, motherhood, and the heartache of an abusive relationship that she bravely ended. Her second marriage, though filled with love, was cut tragically short, leaving her to face the twilight of her years alone.
Retirement should have been her time of peace, but it was marred by the creeping shadows of Alzheimer’s. “I feel like I’m losing pieces of myself,” she confided to Lisa during one of her lucid moments, her vulnerability laid bare.
Noah: The Impatient Father
Lisa’s father, Noah, was a man of fierce emotions and unyielding desires. Childhood for him was a battleground, his ADHD fueling fires of frustration and impatience. Yet, amidst the turmoil, a passion for engineering emerged, a beacon that guided him to focus and achievement.
His love story with Aliya was one of persistence and contrast, their differences creating a dynamic tapestry of life together. Success in his career was mirrored by his assertiveness at home, but retirement brought an unexpected adversary—rheumatoid arthritis, followed by the debilitating aftermath of a car accident and a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.
“I feel trapped in my own body,” Noah lamented to Lisa, his once-commanding voice tinged with despair.
Aliya: The Social Butterfly
Aliya’s life was a kaleidoscope of interactions and connections. From her childhood, where she was the sun around which others orbited, to her teenage years filled with friendships across the social spectrum, she thrived on being with others.
Her career in marketing was as vibrant as her personality, and her marriage to Noah was a study of opposites attracting. Yet, beneath her effervescent exterior lay a resilience, tested by breast cancer and the need for social engagement to combat the pain and isolation of her illness.
“I need to be around people; it’s my lifeline,” Aliya explained to Lisa, her eyes reflecting the fear of encroaching solitude.
The Domino Effect
At 8:00 am one morning when Lisa was getting ready to take her kids to school and get on a conference call at the same time, she started getting calls from her mom and text messages from her dad. “We need to talk now,” she texted her dad three times in one hour.
Over the years, her parents’ relationship had deteriorated, and she had feared that one day they might want a divorce. There was something in these short five words that made her heart skip a beat, as she feared the worst. Even though her parents fought a lot, they always came back together.
She kept saying a prayer as she picked up the phone and called her dad. Her dad told her “Everything came to a head last night when Aunt Mariya called mom in a panic.” Lisa understood very well that since her dad did not like Aunt Mariya or her kids, he had put his foot down and said, “If you go to visit your sister, I will divorce you.” Aunt Mariya was now frail, had Alzheimer’s and lived with her son and daughter-in-law. In her younger days, she was bubbly, vivacious, and did not have a filter. What she thought came out of her mouth without regard for how the listener would take it.
After listening to her dad’s side of the story, she called her mom who told her that her aunt Mariya’s daughter-in-law had hired a new caregiver for her six months ago. She had a sense of urgency in her voice. She went on to explain that Aunt Mariya had called her again yesterday to say that the caregiver beat and pushed her all the time and that her son did not believe her.
Lisa questioned her mom and told her that although she truly loved Aunt Mariya, she was not always someone who was in touch with reality. “She has called me multiple times complaining about it. However, last night she was crying. She has not cried in years. Honey, I must go and check this out for myself. I will never be able to live with myself if I don’t,” Lisa’s mom replied with a sigh.
“I am going to fly in today so that we can talk about this in person. Can you please hold off for a day?” Lisa told her mom.
As soon as she hung up the phone, Lisa started making her plans. She went to work canceling all her meetings for the next two weeks and planned how she was going to handle critical projects remotely. She called in favors from all her friends in the neighborhood, kissed her family goodbye, and was on a plane to see her parents by 5 pm that night.
When Lisa got to her parents’ home at 8:00 pm that night, they both wanted to talk to her first. By midnight they both had a chance to plead their cases in Lisa’s court.
Lisa convinced her mom that night to let her step in and help. “I will go visit Aunt Mariya and see if what she was telling her is true.”
The very next morning at 8 am Lisa called Aunt Mariya and told her, “I am coming to see you today. I will be there by 1 pm.”
Aunt Mariya responded with extreme excitement, “Oh dear Lisa, I can’t wait to see you. Just talked to your mom last night. Are you bringing your mom with you too?”
Lisa responded with a calming voice, “No, not today, but I can’t wait to see you.”
By 8:30 am Lisa started a four-hour drive to Kansas City. She knew that Aunt Mariya’s son would be upset that she was going there unannounced. Even though Aunt Mariya had a backyard cottage, it was only a hundred feet from his home.
Aunt Mariya did not want her family to know Lisa was on her way to visit. Unfortunately, the caregiver overheard the conversation and told her daughter-in-law Anna. Anna texted Lisa by 10:33 am “We do not want you to interfere in our family’s affairs and you are not welcome to visit our home or Aunt Mariya.”
Lisa had just taken an exit in the college town of Columbia, Missouri, and stopped at a coffee shop when she saw the text. Lisa called her brother’s friend John who lived in Columbia and asked him, “I have a huge favor to ask you. Can I come over to your office now and explain?” He had always been such a wonderful and caring man. She was hoping that he was not busy that day.
After Lisa was done confiding in him, she felt like she had to add, “Please do not share any of this with anyone, can you please promise me?” He replied with a warm smile, “You know you can count on me.”
By 4 pm that day, John was able to bring Aunt Mariya out of her home to meet Lisa at a famous KC Steak House. This spot used to be Aunt Mariya and Uncle Tom’s favorite date nightspot. She was so happy to see Lisa. They hugged and talked, laughed, and cried.
Aunt Mariya took her to the restroom and showed her the bruises on her arm from the abuse she had endured from the caregiver. Lisa was in a state of shock. She could not imagine how her cousin would let something like this happen to his own mom. He traveled so much for his job and was hardly around, but still, Lisa felt that this was no excuse.
Holding back tears, she told Aunt Mariya, “I will have mom visit you very soon. Let me go back to mom’s home tonight and we will let you know when she is going to come over.” No sooner had those words come out of her mouth than a sinking feeling set in her body. The domino effect of that decision was going to completely change Lisa’s own life too. She was going to become a caregiver for her emotionally and physically demanding dad, while her mother was going to become Aunt Mariya’s caregiver.
Soon after, Lisa realized that she was not only a caregiver for her dad, but also for her mom and a proxy caregiver for her Aunt Mariya as well.
The Domino Effect: Christopher Steps Up
Christopher’s Story
When his wife Sarah suffered a heart attack, Christopher’s life was irrevocably altered. Not only did he lose his beloved wife, but he also became an instant caregiver to her three aging family members, each with their own unique challenges. Overnight, Christopher found himself responsible for Tom, Betty, and Frank, taking on a role that demanded patience, strength, and boundless compassion. Despite his own grief, Christopher knew he had to honor Sarah’s memory by stepping into her shoes and providing the same unwavering support she had always given to her family.
Tom: Her Sharp Brother
Tom was known for his dry sense of humor and love of crossword puzzles. As a former factory worker, he was now wheelchair-bound due to severe arthritis and mobility issues. Despite his physical limitations, he remained mentally sharp and enjoyed tinkering with old radios and reminiscing about the past. Tom had a stubborn streak and often gave unsolicited advice, but beneath his gruff exterior, he cared deeply for his family.
Betty: Her Optimistic Sister
Betty, the youngest sibling, was once a vibrant socialite and community organizer. Then, Betty suffered from macular degeneration until she was completely blind. Despite her blindness, she remained optimistic and determined, always finding ways to stay engaged and connected with others. Betty had a knack for storytelling and enjoyed knitting and baking, often sharing her creations and tales with friends and family. Her positive attitude and resilience made her a pillar of emotional support for those around her, even as she navigated her own challenges.
Frank: Betty’s Caring Husband:
Frank was a kind-hearted, albeit somewhat clumsy, retired mechanic. He was in the early stages of dementia, which caused him to forget things and made daily tasks challenging. Frank’s heart was always in the right place, and he was always eager to help, but his condition often left him frustrated and dependent on others for assistance. His love for Betty was unwavering, and he did his best to support her despite his own struggles.
The Domino Effect
When Sarah died, it felt as if the world had stopped spinning. For Christopher, her husband, the grief was overwhelming. Sarah had been his anchor, his guiding star. As the days passed, he found himself adrift in a sea of sorrow, but he knew he had to keep going—for Sarah’s family, who had come to depend on her just as much as he had.
The first to need him was Tom. Sarah had always taken care of her older brother, managing his medications, helping him with daily tasks, and providing companionship. Christopher stepped into her shoes, learning Tom’s routines and figuring out how to help him with his mobility issues. Tom was reluctant at first, pride making it difficult for him to accept help. But as Christopher patiently assisted him, a mutual respect grew between them. Christopher found solace in Tom’s dry humor and shared stories of the past.
Next was Betty. The loss of her sister hit Betty hard, sending her into a deep depression. Her blindness only added to her sense of helplessness. Christopher, recognizing her need for emotional and physical support, reached out gently. He didn’t push her to talk but sat with her, describing the world around them and helping her with her knitting and baking. Slowly, Betty began to open up, finding solace in her hobbies once more. Christopher would spend hours sitting with her, listening to her stories and helping her bake, ensuring she knew she wasn’t alone.
Frank was the last piece of the puzzle. Struggling to manage his own grief while trying to support Betty, he found himself overwhelmed by the symptoms of dementia. His forgetfulness made it difficult to perform even the simplest tasks. Christopher organized their home, created schedules, and even learned more about dementia to better assist Frank. Grateful for the support, Frank began to regain his confidence and find his footing again.
One evening, as they all sat around the dinner table, Christopher looked at the family he had become the caretaker of. Tom, still gruff but more open, shared a story that had everyone laughing. Betty, her eyes shining with newfound hope, knitted a scarf with Christopher’s guidance, while Frank animatedly discussed a book he had been reading. The house felt full again, not of sorrow, but of life.
It wasn’t easy. There were days when Christopher felt like he was failing, when the weight of responsibility seemed too much to bear. But he thought of Sarah, of her unwavering love and strength, and it gave him the courage to keep going. Slowly, the dominoes that had fallen with her death began to stand again, supported by the love and care they all shared.
In caring for Tom, Betty, and Frank, Christopher found a new purpose. He realized that while Sarah was gone, her spirit lived on in the love they all had for each other. And in that love, they found the strength to carry on, together.
The Domino Effect: Jane’s Discovery
Jane’s Story