Emotional Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Aliya – Lisa’s Mom
Emotional abuse of seniors can manifest as verbal assaults, threats, isolation, or non-verbal communication designed to intimidate or diminish the individual’s sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth. Detecting such abuse requires vigilant observation for signs like sudden changes in behavior, withdrawal from social interactions, or fear around certain caregivers, and addressing it involves reporting concerns to authorities, seeking professional counseling, and ensuring the senior has a supportive and safe environment.
Lisa discovered that emotional abuse from her cousins was impacting her mom’s well-being.
Aliya, once full of life and laughter, became increasingly subdued, trapped in a silent struggle against the emotional constraints imposed by her new living situation.
“Mom, you are unusually quiet?” Lisa asked during one of her calls, concern evident in her voice. “I miss your spunk and your spark.”
Lisa’s mom finally opened up about her concerns. “The new caregiver watches me like a hawk, reporting every little thing back to my nephew and his wife. The caregiver monitors my phone calls and eavesdrops on my conversations with visitors.”
She added “Yesterday my nephew addressed me in the harshest tone that I have ever been addressed in. He said, I understand that you had a conversation with Julie in Seattle and that you were talking about what you eat. We don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what happens in this household. We don’t want you to talk about what happens in this household. Period.”
Her mom felt that not only was she walking on eggshells and was under twenty-four hours of surveillance, but she was being talked down to on a regular basis.
She added “Every other day I have been getting a talking-to from either the nephew or his wife. If they don’t have anything to say about my actions or words, the nephew’s wife will just make comments about what I am wearing, how I am walking or driving, or smell from my cooking.”
Lisa’s heart sank on hearing this. “They’ve crossed lines they should not. That’s not just overbearing; it’s controlling,” she told her mom.
“I will come and stay with you for a week, let me clear my calendar and book my flight.” I will call you back soon.
When Lisa got there the following week, her plan of action was to not only shield her cousin from her mom, but to see if she could get the caregiver to change her behavior or to get her replaced. The last straw would be to confront the cousin, who she was pretty sure would not be productive.
Lisa decided to take the caregiver, mom, and aunt for brunch. Lisa treated the caregiver as a new friend, the four of them told stories about their pasts, laughed, and cried.
Lisa asked the caregiver “With the amazing jobs you have had in the past, what are you doing as a caregiver now?”
The caregiver responded, “I just left an abusive marriage. My husband told me I had to move my mom out of the house in a week, while she lay in a coma at my home. He said he was tired of all these strange people in and out of the house all day, coming to take care of my mom from hospice. When my mom died, I decided I had enough! I felt I had to take care of someone else’s mom, because I could not be there emotionally for my own.”
Lisa gave the caregiver a warm hug, “Thanks so much for sharing.” There were no dry eyes after that. Just lots of words of comfort and support.
The caregiver and Lisa went for a walk around a lake, while her mom and aunt sat on the bench and enjoyed the pleasant breeze and sun.
The caregiver confessed to Lisa, “You know I see now that I have been enabling emotional abuse towards your mom from your cousins. They told me your mom was a horrible and controlling person who was taking care of her sister, only to get a hold of her jewelry.”
Lisa sighed, “That explains it.” You should know that all the jewelry that my aunt owns is in a safe deposit box that can only be accessed by my cousin. Also, there is not much value to that jewelry”.
The caregiver added, “Just the way the three of you interacted with each other today has opened my eyes. Don’t worry, things will be different from here on out.”
Understanding motives and aligning goals can make cooperation possible, but when it’s not, working around obstacles is key. Lisa’s swift intervention helped her mom regain her independence and removed toxicity from her life.
Hidden Scars
Faye and Ruthie’s Story
Faye looked forward to her weekly phone calls with her mother, Ruthie. They were a time to catch up, laugh, and share stories. But recently, those calls had become increasingly troubling. Ruthie’s voice had lost its usual warmth and cheer, replaced by a tone of sadness and apprehension.
“Mom, you seem down lately, is everything okay?” Faye said during one of her calls, concern evident in her voice. “I miss your usual cheer.”
Ruthie hesitated before answering. “It’s Patrick and his wife. Ever since I moved in with them, things have been… difficult.”
Faye’s heart sank. “What do you mean, difficult?”
Ruthie sighed. “They monitor everything I do. They criticize me constantly about my hair or the way that I talk and make me feel like a burden. I can’t talk to anyone or leave the house without them knowing.”
The words hit Faye like a punch to the gut. “Mom, that’s not okay. They shouldn’t be treating you this way. I’m coming over tomorrow. We need to talk about this.”
The next day, Faye arrived at Patrick’s house with a determined look in her eyes. Ruthie greeted her with a weak smile, the strain of her situation evident in her tired expression.
“Mom, pack your things. You’re coming home with me,” Faye said firmly.
Patrick overheard and stormed into the room. “What do you think you’re doing, Faye? Mom is fine here. She needs our care.”
Faye stood her ground. “No, Patrick. What she needs is to be treated with respect and dignity, which she’s clearly not getting here.”
Patrick’s face reddened with anger. “You’re blowing this out of proportion. She’s just being dramatic.”
Ruthie, emboldened by Faye’s presence, found her voice. “No, Patrick. I want to leave. I can’t live like this anymore.”
Faye helped her mother gather her belongings, ignoring Patrick’s protests. As they walked out the door, Ruthie felt a weight lift off her shoulders.
Back at Faye’s home, Ruthie slowly regained her sense of self. Surrounded by love and support, she began to heal from the emotional wounds inflicted by her nephew.
Faye knew the road ahead would be challenging, but she was committed to ensuring her mother never had to endure such treatment again. Together, they rebuilt their lives, free from the shadows of emotional abuse.
Faye arranged for counseling sessions for Ruthie, knowing that healing from such deep emotional scars required professional help. At first, Ruthie attended these sessions reluctantly, but soon she found them to be a safe space where she could express her feelings without fear of judgment.
Ruthie’s transformation was slow but steady. She started attending community events and even joined a book club.
As Faye watched her mother flourish, she felt a deep sense of fulfillment. She knew that their bond had only grown stronger through this ordeal. They had faced the darkness together and emerged into the light, closer and more resilient than ever before.
The Unseen Battle
Danielle and Rosa’s Story
Danielle’s visits to her mother, Rosa, had always brought her immense joy. The cozy afternoons they spent together, sipping tea and chatting about life, were among Danielle’s most cherished moments. But recently, each visit left Danielle feeling more uneasy. Rosa’s usual vivacity had dimmed, replaced by a subdued, almost defeated demeanor.
“Mom, you’ve been so quiet lately. Is everything okay?” Danielle asked during one visit, her concern growing with each passing day.
Rosa glanced around nervously before speaking. “It’s Sophie. She watches my every move, criticizes everything I do, and even monitors my phone calls. I feel like I’m always being watched.”
Danielle’s heart ached at her mother’s words. “That’s terrible, Mom. You shouldn’t have to live like that. I am going to see what I can do, maybe find you a new caregiver.”
Rosa looked relieved but scared. “Are you sure, Danielle? Sophie won’t be happy about this.”
Danielle’s resolve hardened. “I don’t care. What matters is your well-being.”
That evening, Danielle couldn’t sleep. She replayed her mother’s words over and over, feeling a mix of anger and guilt. How could she have missed the signs? Determined to make things right, she resolved to find a new caregiver, someone who would treat her mother with the kindness and respect she deserved.
The next day, Danielle took a leave of absence from work and began her search. She started by asking friends and colleagues for recommendations and soon compiled a list of reputable agencies and independent caregivers. Each candidate she interviewed was carefully vetted, and Danielle made sure to discuss Rosa’s needs and personality to find the best match.
After a week of intense searching, Danielle met Crystal, a caregiver with a gentle demeanor and a wealth of experience. Crystal’s references spoke highly of her compassion and dedication. When Danielle introduced her to Rosa, there was an immediate connection. Rosa’s eyes lit up for the first time in weeks, and Danielle felt a wave of relief wash over her.
Crystal began working with Rosa immediately, and the change was palpable. Rosa’s old spark began to return; her laughter echoed through the house once more, and the cozy afternoons of tea and conversation resumed. Danielle watched as Crystal treated her mother with genuine care and respect, and she knew she had made the right choice.
